March 31, 2010

A Boy on a Bike

I was riding my bike yesterday and a little boy passed me on his little bike. He looked at me with big eyes, fascinated by the size of my bike. Mine wasn't anything special. It was just bigger. I wondered if the boy compared his small bike to mine and thought that mine was better because it was bigger.
The situation reminded me about the human nature and how some parts of it manifest through all ages. Aren't we doing the same thing as adults? Comparing what we have or what we are to others? Thinking that others' lives are better, happier, more significant or more meaningful? Or that others are smarter, prettier, funnier, more interesting, and more intelligent?
In essence my bike wasn't better than the boy's. It was just bigger. If we traded our bikes, then none of us would feel comfortable. We wouldn't enjoy the ride.
I wanted to tell the little boy to look at his own bike and just have fun riding it. After all, his bike was really cool.

March 30, 2010

Everything Smell

If I lit all those candles at once, in a bundle like this, I wonder what the smell would be like :-/

Explore the smells of Yankee

Beauty Pain

Oh, how I'm hurting right now! My legs and my butt! When I walk, I walk like an old, crippled woman. When I sit, I sit like a stone statue because if I move, I produce an awkward screech of pain.
That's the price - the price for beauty. What wouldn't you give for beauty? I literally worked my butt (and legs) off yesterday because I want to get in shape. So I persevere. Not suffer or tolerate. I persevere. For my focus is on the good stuff - on what the pain leads to. It hurts me but it doesn't make me suffer. Through each sore muscle, I build my body and my character. Fits me!


A talk on TV about Norway caught my ear. It described Norway's culture and customs, while showing the country's snowy landscapes. 
NORWAY... Why does my soul echo to that vast whiteness? What is it that calls me, whispering? I'm not from there. I don't know the language or customs. I've never stepped on that land. Yes, I'm from North and I like snow, but that's not it.
It's the color. Color White. When the grounds are covered with Whiteness, muffling all the sounds around, when there's no wind and the sun is shining - it creates a sense of bliss, harmony, and peace. A fairy tale. I feel like I'm covered with a feather blankie.
No, it's not the cold that calls me. It's that sense of peace and beauty that I'm striving for. I suppose every one of us has a scenario of pure bliss where we go at times, just to feel that innate calmness that we're entitled to.

Find out about NORWAY

March 29, 2010

Sunrise in the Rain

This morning I woke up at 7am (way too early, considering the fact that I went to bed after midnight), to meet the sunrise. My body wasn't happy about it but I pushed it to get up. I put my sneakers on, the clothes, and grabbed an umbrella. Outside - pouring rain!
Step after step I moved forward. Yawn. No one was around. Just the heavy rain. I decided to program my day in advance - I wanted a positive day. I thanked the Sun for coming up although it hid itself behind an overcast; I thanked the rain for pouring, for it had its benefits; I thanked my body for waking up and walking me through the wetness early in the morning. I made myself content.
Then I got stuck in the middle of a sidewalk puddle. The water streamed into my shoes and socks. If I stood there, barefoot, it'd feel the same. Step after step I moved forward again. Cringing. Why such a reaction? After all - if I thanked the rain for pouring, why was I cringing at it? Nah, I continued to step bravely through the puddle.
I came home when the street lights were mostly out. I did it. It was nice.

March 28, 2010

Your Body Hears You!

Since I refused to poison my body with antibiotics, I was determined to heal myself. So, the night before last, I went to bed and a wave of gratitude surged all over me. I felt so strongly how my body and all the cells were desperately trying to fight the bacteria that caused them so much pain. Without any instruction, they worked hard. I had an urgent need to talk to all my cells and thank them for the work they've done all these years, regardless of the abuse. I expressed my strongest love and gratitude I had inside my being. I even hugged myself tightly. I said "Please, be strong as much as possible. I don't want to feed you antibiotics because I know it would be the worst. I will help you too by taking measures."
Next morning I woke up and the pain was gone. I thought maybe it would come back after a while because strep throat doesn't just disappear like that. But the pain didn't return. Maybe my sincere prayer was the last straw of determination. Or maybe it was because I put out my entire soul during the conversation.
Body hears all your words and all your thoughts. Learn to respect and love it just the way it is because it works for you unconditionally.

March 26, 2010

Benefits of Pain

No matter what hurts, I always think at the time how happy I would be if pain left. Then I realize that before pain arrived, I didn't feel the lack of that pain. In fact, my mind was completely elsewhere.
Oh, how happy I would be once nothing hurts again! Would I then make excuses for not doing or being something? Of course, I would. I always have. Such are humans. They need constant reminders.
However, even in my current pain, I keep reminding myself that it could be worse. Much worse. So, I can still feel quite content in my painful situation once I switch my perspective.

Love for Home

I decided to check out web cameras in my home country, which I left years ago. I traveled there once, two years back. The cameras showed me traffic on certain streets. It was night time.
There they were - the cars, traffic lights, and the buildings. A surge of nostalgia enveloped me. It was overwhelming to the near point of tears. All those streets and buildings were so mine! I breathed them for almost my entire life. They were my reality until it changed. Now I'm looking back at the past, which, in fact, is the present. Do I want to go back? To live there again? This love that I have for my home country is still there, deep down, burning. Or is it just familiarity? If it's love, shouldn't I want to live there? Maybe. But there's a reason why I left. Could I come back years later? Something whispers to me that I could. But I will still have ties to the States. I won't break them because it's become my new home. Can I have two homes then? Yes, I can. And maybe in the future I will be able to experience those homes in sequence. A thought like that makes me feel relieved. Carrying love for my first home is envigorating, even though that home is far, far away.

Check out my home

Determined Wellness

I'm having a sore throat for days now. It's highly annoying and disturbing but I am not going to go to the doctor because I have no health insurance. Plus, I refuse to feed my body with antibiotics, unless it's absolutely necessary.
OK then. Let me implement natural remedies, such as eating honey, drinking hot tea, gargling with baking soda or salt, and drink lots of water. It didn't get better but the thought of antibiotics was unacceptable. Faith. I must have faith in healing. I talk to my throat and I'm patient. I can take some pain.
Yesterday evening I noticed that the soreness lessened. The bumps in my throat were still there but they didn't hurt as much. This morning I gargled again and I'm convinced that I'll get better soon, even though it still hurts. I will get better.
Why? Because I'm trying to focus on health. Not on illness.

March 23, 2010

Learn the Truth about Apple Cider Vinegar and Weight Loss

Learn the Truth about Apple Cider Vinegar and Weight Loss

I got ACV for my sore throat and when I was researching about the specifics of treatment, I stumbled on ACV and weight loss. I'm not looking for rapid weight loss anymore because it's unhealthy. Slow and steady is better. ACV might help me. Plus, it has so many more benefits! I'm really excited to start.


I'm looking in front of me through a transparent water in my eyes. The room is silent. Finally I decided to sit down and just be. I'm wondering what I'm feeling and why I'm crying. Observing one thought after another gives me hints about what's going on in my heart. Bitterness. Exhaustion. Isolation. Entrapment. Where am I going? Why am I where I am emotionally?
Two issues come forward - isolation and self-criticism. Who am I fooling, trying to persuade that I don't need other people, that I can do it all by myself? This can't continue. I need to move back to society and let my guard down.
Constant judgment of myself also makes me feel horrible - nothing I am or do is ever enough. No matter how well I perform or how good I look, I always demand more. This can't continue either. Clearly none of those behaviors are conducive to happiness and happiness is something I'm deciding to strive for because ultimately life is about being happy and joyful.
A surge of relief ran thorough my body. I'm freeing myself from my own burden that I loaded upon myself long ago. I'm still looking in front of me through a transparent water but the tears are positive now. Same tears, just with the opposite meaning.

March 22, 2010

From a Musician to a Craftsman

When I went to college, there was a girl who played the piano beautifully. I thought she'd become a professional pianist because she was talented and devoted. I was never friends with her though.
10 years passed. I forgot she existed. Today I stumbled on her profile on Facebook and her face looked familiar. Everything had changed in her life. Aside from three kids and a husband, she seemed to be dedicated to craft toy making. I opened her website and saw the cutest and extremely unique toys (rabbits, kittens, and other animals) that she had been knitting and sowing together. Why did I even go there? I never liked any toys...
It was baffling to see her in such a different role. Her craft was absolutely beautiful! I was impressed. And very inspired.

Check out those beautiful toys


Some days are just blah. Today's a very blah day. I don't know exactly why - maybe it's the rainy weather, maybe it's my a bit sore throat, or actually not enough sleep. Regardless, I'm not trying to force myself to be more lively or energetic. I don't think I'd succeed anyway. I decided to be just as I am. I can't feel on top every single day. Just like there are tides in the ocean, there are tides in our moods. The best thing I can do today is ask myself what I feel like doing and then do it. Even if it's something simple. Probably it will be something simple. And then it might even increase my mood a little bit!

March 21, 2010

Just Being

I was sitting on the porch outside, cutting my nails. A dog was laying next to me. My mind was occupied with getting my nails cut so I could normally play my violin. The dog kept laying next to me, looking around and reacting to noises. It seemed so unconcerned about anything except what was happening at the time. I was. Just sitting on the porch, reacting to noises wasn't acceptable to me. I had to be productive. I had to cut my nails or think about what I was going to do next.
When I looked at the dog, I wanted some of that serenity. I just wanted to be able to sit on the porch and just sit there, without trying to be productive in any way or without analyzing how much time had elapsed. When I was done cutting my nails, I sat there and breathed. After 3 minutes I couldn't do it anymore and went inside.
I knew that I had a long way to go to learn how to just enjoy "non-action" - simple sacred thing.

March 20, 2010

The Best Things

This morning, I didn't have cream cheese for my bagel. I really wanted cream cheese, but I figured that maybe this one day I can manage and eat something else. This idea, however, didn't sit with me well. So, I went to the store and got some cream cheese. My breakfast tasted better than ever.
Another sunny day today puts a smile on my face yet again. I'm sipping coffee with a Vanilla Caramel Coffee Mate creamer in it, which tastes yummy. Small things like that, alongside with a book that I keep reading every morning, make life more beautiful. At other times I wouldn't notice any of it and even if I did, I wouldn't give it much attention or appreciation. Now that I decided to take notice of as many life's beautiful creations, everything seems richer and more alive.
Small things that often hide themselves in the cracks of "serious" life are often the best things.

March 19, 2010

Keep Busy. Sometimes.

I keep reconfirming the fact that when we're busy, we consume less food. Including junk food. When the day's calm and relaxed, I notice my mind wander toward the food land regardless of my hunger level. The need to chew is gnawing on me. Yet when I'm busy, my mind focuses on whatever I'm doing and hours pass by. In the end, I feel much better about myself - without junk in my intestines and with pride for my strength.
Conclusion? Keep yourself busy if you can. Use the time to be productive.
Typically I wouldn't profess using it as a distraction for certain issues (in this case, cravings) but for a while, it can work.

Pure Cuteness!

This is one of the world wonders that elicits a smile and warms the heart. It's like a little human being on a blanket, except it's furry and soft. Playing with this alive toy would add an extra three years to my life!

Our True Nature

It's another sunny day today. My eyes rejoice in a bright light. My mood is noticeably getting better and I wonder how long it will last. Until the sun goes down? Until I get tired? Until the mood just fades on its own? And then what? Back to the heavy, dark baseline, the foundation upon which the momentary "happiness" happens?
They say that our basic nature is joy and happiness and when we don't experience them - fear and pain are the culprits for covering our basic nature. So, I guess my task is slowly lean toward the other polarity, going from the "-" toward the "+". If I can't tackle my fears and pain overnight, then I can start climbing from another side of the mountain. I can start noticing simple things, such as the sunshine today. And the blue sky. When I just stand outside, stare up, squint my eyes, for a brief moment I feel the gap reopen. In that gap I catch a glimpse of joy and happiness - my true nature.

March 18, 2010

Simple Things Hit Home

There are things we hear over and over but they slide off of our feathers like water. Yet at certain moments, when a tiny gap appears, a simple thing fits there and hits home.
My best friend told me yesterday that she'd buy more candy the next day. I said no, no, don't do that. Knowing my weakness before the things that are readily available, I wanted to eliminate that ready availability.
She said: Well, you have to learn how to control yourself.
That simple statement that I've heard so many times before just summoned all my attention. Hmm, I can't eliminate all the triggers from my environment, thus I must learn how to control my movements and my hand that stretches out for another candy. How about I start practicing a simple habit of saying no? At least 50% of the time. If I can't do that, then what can I do?

A little welcome note

Today is a beautiful day. It's sunny and warm, with a little breeze.
A thought inhabits my mind: Will today be the day I follow through on my plan?
The answer is: I do not know. All I can do is take one step at a time, improving my Sacred Temple - my body.
I can't be rigid anymore. I can't put myself in a box and sit there for the rest of my life, looking at the same bland walls, floor, and the ceiling. The box is my attempt to fulfill all self-created requirements at all times. Maybe such an expectation pushes me to abuse my body over and over.
So what can I do?
  • Be aware of what I consume and how I feel.
  • Take small steps. Every day.
  • And be less hard on myself.
I love my body just because it is. But I do want to improve it - make it stronger, prettier, and more resilient.
Today I am resting and avoiding chips.


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