Disapproved

There are times, when no matter what I do, it's never enough for others. The world and people in it exert certain expectations on me that I've learned to desperately meet. Trying to be perfect is what has propelled me forward in many life endeavors. However, there are times, when, according to objective standards, I was perfect, yet some people didn't consider me such. Could I get more perfect? Should I try harder and harder to obtain approval and appease my sense of anxiety? I have. And it turned to be exhausting. Eventually, the reward of being perfect has too high of a price. At some point I have to deal with the fact that no matter what I do, I won't be approved by everyone. For some, I'll be flawed, not intelligent enough, not insightful enough, not articulate enough, or not creative enough. Either I keep running like a squirrel in a wheel or I abandon this ridiculous and self-harming quest. Jumping off the wheel still hurts and the critical feedback from others after I've worked so hard still exerts its power on me, but it doesn't have to overpower me. Slowly moving forward and allowing myself to be disapproved by others is what the journey is truly about. This is another road toward freedom.

Perfect Vacuum

Fears have gotten me nowhere in this life so far. Fears have made me suffer, cry, and regret every time I succumbed to them. Fears have stifled my potential and prevented me from experiencing my true self and showing my true self to others. It's not that I have a fake self, but rather a limited self, who wears grey and black, rather than purple, pink, and green. Fears have worsened my emotional and physical health, like strong bleach that gradually erodes everything it comes in touch with. I know that many useful resources are floating around me, like bubbles in the air, but fears don't allow me to do anything but observe them. Fears have guided me to the safest place, called Perfect Vacuum, where no matter exists. It's a great place of no threat. It's predictable and controllable. But deep down I feel restless. Why? Am I meant to reside in a Perfect Vacuum? What's the point in it anyway? Is this why I came here on Earth? No. But it feels safe to be there though, I don't have to worry. What helps me to gradually turn my head toward fears is the fact that I will never be happy in a Perfect Vacuum. To me, happiness means freedom, including freedom from the fatal grip of fears. I guess now, years later, I can begin to take one fear at a time and look it into the eye, while coping with the excess of adrenalin in my system. I don't know what awaits me in the future, but this simple decision already makes me feel better (and fearful).

Through the eyes of others

It's often tempting to think of myself as not enough or not worthy. Something more like an average. There are days when I doubt myself, the things I do, and the things I aspire for. It's easy to downplay myself and underestimate my abilities and my characteristics as a person. Even though I receive various feedback, positive feedback is included. Then why do I not consider it important enough? Why do I not take it seriously? Why, when I'm being told that I'm beautiful and talented inside and out, do I tend to put a barrier between the words and myself? What does it give me to reject positive feedback? More dejection and disillusionment. This is not the way to go for me. I'm tired of rejecting compliments, especially when I deserve them. Compliments are others' opinions and I can't tell others that their opinions are wrong. But it's in my power to not accept their opinions. I have, for the longest. No more. I'm gradually learning how to choose to say thank you and tell myself, "This is nice that someone took time to tell me how they feel about me." I'm more beautiful and talented than I think I am and maybe it's a good idea to learn to see myself through the eyes of others. Maybe I can learn to pay attention to all those times that I'm being sincerely complimented and realize that these times are quite plentiful.

Separation

One of my recent mental breakthroughs pertain to the importance of separating various areas of life.
Since I started school last year, I failed to properly manage my life, which resulted in great stress and overwhelming feelings. I could no longer do this. I couldn't just walk around, hating the world every day, hating what I loved, and struggling with my anger. What I was doing was trying to fit life into my school, rather than vice versa.
After several failed attempts, I tried another one, because this is what desperate people do. I decided that I would take school elsewhere (to the library, bookstore, or cafe) and the home would be a sanctuary for rest and enjoyment. For the first time I felt it in my bones - the importance of leaving work/school where it belongs and keeping it away from where it doesn't. I realized that by thinking about school during my minimal leisure time meant that I was still doing school. Mentally. As a result, I didn't have any leisure time. That's why it drove me crazy.
Even though my schedule isn't perfect and I still do school at home, it helps tremendously to do it elsewhere at least some of the time. This teaches me to separate school from life and vacates certain amount of energy for recuperation. The principle applies to other areas as well. When I'm at the store, I try to not think about anything else but my primary purpose - buying things I need. I won't be thinking about the papers I need to write, because I can't write them at the store. And I won't be calculating the time I have left for a certain assignment, because I'm still at the store, shopping. Separation keeps me sane and gives me power. It took me only a year to begin to make changes...

Glimpses of Sunshine

I'm amazed how some difficult, painful, and highly annoying situations can contain satisfaction and positive energy. School is taking its toll on me. Most of the time I walk around depleted, angry, and annoyed, because there's so much to do. I can't contain much information in my head anymore. Sometimes, every sentence I read produces a grumbling sound in my throat just because I'm overly irritated. It feels like the neurons in my brain are on crack, firing incessantly. At some point I sit down and cuss at my life, sending everything to hell.
Then, a moment arrives that somehow alleviates the tension and I can see through the dark clouds. I see a shining sun that illuminates my being, reminding me of the reasons why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm reminded of one of my biggest purposes and finally I can take a breath. I smile to myself, feeling satisfied that I took on this annoying, difficult, and painful journey of education. At that moment, I feel encouraged to go through the motions, slowly but surely. I gather those moments, because they are the ones to sustain me on my journey. No matter how difficult the path is, it is worth only when we know that the path moves us toward our values.

Choices

Life gives us choices. Sometimes, these choices are easy to make, but sometimes they are not. When doubt emerges, it looks like a helper at first, but when it lasts for a long time, it's a poison. If doubt prevents us from making a productive choice, we tend to make a choice to linger in the middle, which rarely brings satisfaction. It's a stalled position that creates no growth, only turmoil. We may think, "Well, I like the choice A, but I also like the choice B. I can't just let any of them go. I want to choose both." So we fool ourselves by thinking that we chose both, whereas in reality we chose none. Life continues to be lived half-heartedly.
At some point, we realize that sitting on two chairs simultaneously isn't working. We're faced with the same choice again. A or B? Damn, it's still hard. But this time, we approach the dilemma with awareness that only one must be chosen. Whether we feel it's fair or not, limited or not, doesn't change the fact. Either A or B. A or B. There's no AB. Here comes our live's uncomfortable moment, when we risk to be drastically mistaken. Or we risk to terribly miss something that we left behind and thus experience some pain. One thing I'm beginning to realize: One can't live a fulfilling life without taking risks when they are called for. So the choice now is: A fulfilling life or non-fulfilling life? We can't have both.

Rain

It has been raining and thundering in Florida for a while now. Every day it's raining and the sun comes out randomly whenever it pleases, if it pleases. After a while, it started to become annoying. Couldn't go out anytime I wanted. Couldn't go to the pool whenever (not that I planned to swim anyway...). Yesterday, I found out that many states in the US suffered from the lack of rain and the result was lack of water for many cities. That totally switched my perspective and I felt a bit guilty for not appreciating nature as it presented itself. I have been too concerned about my own comfort. Sometimes, Life does the work for us, providing a larger perspective on things; but sometimes, we have to do this work ourselves, without external reminders. I guess, once again, I will tell myself that things happen for a reason and whatever is happening is for my own advantage, whether I realize it or not.