June 10, 2010

Through Disapproval

I've been thinking about it many times before, but it's getting clearer to me now more than ever.
Contemplating on what I want to be or to do, what I am or am not, what I want and don't want - removed some of the fog around those subjects.
One of the things I'm starting to get used to: If I want to stop feeling wishy-washy and want to determine and be what I really am, I will consciously enter the camp with two opposing sides - those who like me and what I do, and those who don't. The real challenge is to accept this and learn to live with it, comfortably.
No one is accepted and liked by everyone. It's not even necessary. We're not here to be liked and approved by everyone. We're here to serve those who let us serve them. Those are the people who accept us and what we do, and those are the people we should truly focus on during the moments of disapproval and dislike by the opposition.

June 9, 2010

Right Piece at the Right Time

Many of us want to have everything all at once, including the information. We want to know as much as there is to know, right here, right now; or we're attempting to acquire knowledge as fast and as frequently as possible. It all stems from the desire to be in control - the more knowledge we have, the more in control we feel.
However, life, as usual, has wiser agendas for us than we might have for ourselves. The more we're open to life and the more trust we have in its processes, the more things we notice to come into our experiences at the right time and place.
Information seems to come right when we need it and sometimes we wonder how come we've never noticed or thought of it before.
I find it fascinating to observe such instances in my life. There's so much to know and often, when I'm overwhelmed and confused, I'm given the right piece in the right proportion. I attend to it and learn, knowing that that is what I need. It also helps me to relax in my frantic chase of all possible knowledge. I guess life is much more precise and selective.

June 8, 2010

Life in a Moment

It is indeed true that at any time in point our minds are scattered around the past, present and future. We find it extremely hard to focus on here and now without our minds wandering away. Even during the best moments in our lives, such as a wonderful vacation or meeting a great partner or witnessing the birth of a baby, our minds aren't fully present. During the vacation, we might think about returning to that beautiful place next year, what we'll do and where we'll go; when having fun with our new partner, we wonder how long it might last, whether he/she is really the one, and how our lives might turn out together; when a baby is born, we might think about what he/she'll  look like in the future, what the baby will become and what direction he/she'll take.
An inability to be wholeheartedly present in any particular moment robs us from true joy of life. Every day is like an illusion, in which we half-participate. Life passes us by, waving along, and we're just watching, only occasionally touching its surface.
Recently, I've been asking myself a question, "Is this how I want my life to feel?" The answer is clear no. My constantly scattered mind keeps me in a cycle of endless worry, needless over-analysis and numbness. I've been doing that for way too long. It's time to start changing the pattern.
So today, I will attempt to focus on any task at hand - be it the conversation with a person, fitness activity, walking, driving, eating or anything else. I'll try to pay attention to the entirety of any given moment and see how it feels. Today will be one day that will not carelessly pass.

June 4, 2010

The Stripes of Life

In the middle of an ordeal, we often forget that most things have a beginning and the end. When we're distraught, we lose focus and feel like it will never end, which in turn makes us feel worse.
Sometimes one thing comes after another, forming a seemingly endless cycle. When anger overwhelms us, feeling of helplessness makes us give up and say "Whatever. I don't care anymore."
Of course we care, otherwise we wouldn't feel bad. But the exhaustion is exacerbated by the perception of endlessness.
So when I feel like giving up and screaming, I do scream or whatever makes me feel better, but then I remind myself, "Even though sometimes life enjoys playing this evil game with me, giving me one challenge after another with no break, it can't last forever. Nothing lasts forever. It will end. Soon."
Some relief is followed, until the moment I lose focus again and sink into my dark pit. But I'm relentless in reminding myself, Nothing Lasts Forever...
The black stripe of life is always followed by a white one. It's the law of balance and contrast. Keep focused on that white stripe as much as possible and it will facilitate your arrival there.

June 2, 2010

Unpredictable Future Feelings

It's been around 90F in the house for several days due to a broken AC. It was a torture - constant sweating and drained energy. It exacerbated all other issues I've been dealing with prior to breakage.
Finally the AC was fixed. Last night I was lying in my bed and before falling asleep, I strongly appreciated the temperature. But I couldn't feel as much joy as I had wished. Why? The issues that were present were still gnawing at me. The situation of winning a lottery popped in my head and I asked myself if that's what usually happens after one wins. We wish for that so strongly and think that once we do, our problems will be solved and we'll be happy. Or will we? I can say that we might be happy-ER but not happy. We might be relieved or more comfortable but it's not really happiness itself. Problems won't go away, even though they might be ameliorated.
I was happier to have AC turned on. I was comfortable and relieved. But it didn't feel as grandiose as I expected although it didn't tamper with my appreciation.
Expecting how you might feel, provided certain circumstances, might not be so due to our faulty understanding of the causes of our issues. Life is simple, yet it's not.


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