January 31, 2012

Perfect Vacuum

Fears have gotten me nowhere in this life so far. Fears have made me suffer, cry, and regret every time I succumbed to them. Fears have stifled my potential and prevented me from experiencing my true self and showing my true self to others. It's not that I have a fake self, but rather a limited self, who wears grey and black, rather than purple, pink, and green. Fears have worsened my emotional and physical health, like strong bleach that gradually erodes everything it comes in touch with. I know that many useful resources are floating around me, like bubbles in the air, but fears don't allow me to do anything but observe them. Fears have guided me to the safest place, called Perfect Vacuum, where no matter exists. It's a great place of no threat. It's predictable and controllable. But deep down I feel restless. Why? Am I meant to reside in a Perfect Vacuum? What's the point in it anyway? Is this why I came here on Earth? No. But it feels safe to be there though, I don't have to worry. What helps me to gradually turn my head toward fears is the fact that I will never be happy in a Perfect Vacuum. To me, happiness means freedom, including freedom from the fatal grip of fears. I guess now, years later, I can begin to take one fear at a time and look it into the eye, while coping with the excess of adrenalin in my system. I don't know what awaits me in the future, but this simple decision already makes me feel better (and fearful).

January 17, 2012

Through the eyes of others

It's often tempting to think of myself as not enough or not worthy. Something more like an average. There are days when I doubt myself, the things I do, and the things I aspire for. It's easy to downplay myself and underestimate my abilities and my characteristics as a person. Even though I receive various feedback, positive feedback is included. Then why do I not consider it important enough? Why do I not take it seriously? Why, when I'm being told that I'm beautiful and talented inside and out, do I tend to put a barrier between the words and myself? What does it give me to reject positive feedback? More dejection and disillusionment. This is not the way to go for me. I'm tired of rejecting compliments, especially when I deserve them. Compliments are others' opinions and I can't tell others that their opinions are wrong. But it's in my power to not accept their opinions. I have, for the longest. No more. I'm gradually learning how to choose to say thank you and tell myself, "This is nice that someone took time to tell me how they feel about me." I'm more beautiful and talented than I think I am and maybe it's a good idea to learn to see myself through the eyes of others. Maybe I can learn to pay attention to all those times that I'm being sincerely complimented and realize that these times are quite plentiful.


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