March 23, 2010


I'm looking in front of me through a transparent water in my eyes. The room is silent. Finally I decided to sit down and just be. I'm wondering what I'm feeling and why I'm crying. Observing one thought after another gives me hints about what's going on in my heart. Bitterness. Exhaustion. Isolation. Entrapment. Where am I going? Why am I where I am emotionally?
Two issues come forward - isolation and self-criticism. Who am I fooling, trying to persuade that I don't need other people, that I can do it all by myself? This can't continue. I need to move back to society and let my guard down.
Constant judgment of myself also makes me feel horrible - nothing I am or do is ever enough. No matter how well I perform or how good I look, I always demand more. This can't continue either. Clearly none of those behaviors are conducive to happiness and happiness is something I'm deciding to strive for because ultimately life is about being happy and joyful.
A surge of relief ran thorough my body. I'm freeing myself from my own burden that I loaded upon myself long ago. I'm still looking in front of me through a transparent water but the tears are positive now. Same tears, just with the opposite meaning.

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