May 6, 2010

Discomfort of Joy

Last night, while falling asleep, I started to contemplate on my relationship with happiness, joy, elation, contentment. I imagined a period of time when I was elated, enthusiastic and very positive. Then I assessed my feelings and how they developed in the process of me being positive. I noticed a shocking truth - the longer I felt the elation, the more uncomfortable I became, as if it were something unnatural. I then attempted to restore the natural, heavy state that I was used to having my entire life.
Is that the reason why I unconsciously create issues for myself, so that I'd have something to worry or feel bad about? It seems like discomfort and dicontentment have become the basis of my existence and the joyous occurrences are like the wind that blows on the surface.
On one hand, I wasn't happy to learn how messed up I was; on the other, I was glad to learn about probably one of the most important blocks that prevented my true enjoyment of life.
Finally I realized that just like I created my own heavy background upon which life unfolded, I can as well create a different background, the one of sustained joy, contentment and happiness. It has to be taken in small doses though, increasing the duration of joy one minute at a time, getting used to the feeling, until we become completely comfrotable with experiencing happiness on a constant basis.

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