August 29, 2010

My Life - My Choices

I've been thinking lately how I'd let my behaviors, decisions and life flow to be severely influenced by everything external, such as customs, social norms, family convictions, and eventually my own perception of things, ingrained in me while I was growing up. Looking at my life at the moment, I confess that I have no contentment in any areas.
Reflecting on the reasons, I understood that whatever I am or have has been solely my personal choice, whether it was conscious or unconscious. I asked myself two questions: "What is it all about?" and "What can be done about it?"
I let go of the responsibility for my own life years ago, without realizing it. I went with the flow of the family, society, friends. But I didn't go with the flow of myself. Someone determined for me what I could or could not do; what I could or could not be; and what I could or could not think.
Trying to blend and fit in, I adjusted, because it was "better." But I never asked a question "Better for whom?"
It wasn't better for me because my true desires were largely ignored. Until now.
Asking myself, what I want to be, do or have, I inevitably confront a wall of my own limited mind. The profound sense of discontentment pushes me to break that wall because it doesn't make sense anymore to live my life the way someone/something else tells me to. In reality, no one cares. I've made choices to appease someone/something that doesn't even care about my happiness. So it's time to start caring for myself.
I have this unique chance on this Earth to live my life the way I want to, which means that obstacles are irrelevant. Obstacles are empty concepts, acquiring weight only through our limited beliefs. The water doesn't care how many stones it meets - it keeps flowing around until it reaches a place where it wants to be. And even then it still goes further.
I have a choice to get discouraged and stop pursuing my dreams because it's too difficult, too slow, too impossible, too improbable, too late, too whatever. It wouldn't matter to anyone.
Or I have a choice to move on, persistently finding my way around. It would matter to me.
I deserve to be and have whatever I want, no matter how outlandish it looks like. Why? Because it's my life, my gift.

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