YOUR SACRED TEMPLE

Disapproved

2012-02-07T19:51:00.001-05:00

There are times, when no matter what I do, it's never enough for others. The world and people in it exert certain expectations on me that I've learned to desperately meet. Trying to be perfect is what has propelled me forward in many life endeavors. However, there are times, when, according to objective standards, I was perfect, yet some people didn't consider me such. Could I get more perfect? Should I try harder and harder to obtain approval and appease my sense of anxiety? I have. And it turned to be exhausting. Eventually, the reward of being perfect has too high of a price. At some point I have to deal with the fact that no matter what I do, I won't be approved by everyone. For some, I'll be flawed, not intelligent enough, not insightful enough, not articulate enough, or not creative enough. Either I keep running like a squirrel in a wheel or I abandon this ridiculous and self-harming quest. Jumping off the wheel still hurts and the critical feedback from others after I've worked so hard still exerts its power on me, but it doesn't have to overpower me. Slowly moving forward and allowing myself to be disapproved by others is what the journey is truly about. This is another road toward freedom.

Perfect Vacuum

2012-01-31T17:29:00.002-05:00

Fears have gotten me nowhere in this life so far. Fears have made me suffer, cry, and regret every time I succumbed to them. Fears have stifled my potential and prevented me from experiencing my true self and showing my true self to others. It's not that I have a fake self, but rather a limited self, who wears grey and black, rather than purple, pink, and green. Fears have worsened my emotional and physical health, like strong bleach that gradually erodes everything it comes in touch with. I know that many useful resources are floating around me, like bubbles in the air, but fears don't allow me to do anything but observe them. Fears have guided me to the safest place, called Perfect Vacuum, where no matter exists. It's a great place of no threat. It's predictable and controllable. But deep down I feel restless. Why? Am I meant to reside in a Perfect Vacuum? What's the point in it anyway? Is this why I came here on Earth? No. But it feels safe to be there though, I don't have to worry. What helps me to gradually turn my head toward fears is the fact that I will never be happy in a Perfect Vacuum. To me, happiness means freedom, including freedom from the fatal grip of fears. I guess now, years later, I can begin to take one fear at a time and look it into the eye, while coping with the excess of adrenalin in my system. I don't know what awaits me in the future, but this simple decision already makes me feel better (and fearful).

Through the eyes of others

2012-01-17T22:35:00.001-05:00

It's often tempting to think of myself as not enough or not worthy. Something more like an average. There are days when I doubt myself, the things I do, and the things I aspire for. It's easy to downplay myself and underestimate my abilities and my characteristics as a person. Even though I receive various feedback, positive feedback is included. Then why do I not consider it important enough? Why do I not take it seriously? Why, when I'm being told that I'm beautiful and talented inside and out, do I tend to put a barrier between the words and myself? What does it give me to reject positive feedback? More dejection and disillusionment. This is not the way to go for me. I'm tired of rejecting compliments, especially when I deserve them. Compliments are others' opinions and I can't tell others that their opinions are wrong. But it's in my power to not accept their opinions. I have, for the longest. No more. I'm gradually learning how to choose to say thank you and tell myself, "This is nice that someone took time to tell me how they feel about me." I'm more beautiful and talented than I think I am and maybe it's a good idea to learn to see myself through the eyes of others. Maybe I can learn to pay attention to all those times that I'm being sincerely complimented and realize that these times are quite plentiful.

Separation

2011-12-20T19:38:00.001-05:00

One of my recent mental breakthroughs pertain to the importance of separating various areas of life.
Since I started school last year, I failed to properly manage my life, which resulted in great stress and overwhelming feelings. I could no longer do this. I couldn't just walk around, hating the world every day, hating what I loved, and struggling with my anger. What I was doing was trying to fit life into my school, rather than vice versa.
After several failed attempts, I tried another one, because this is what desperate people do. I decided that I would take school elsewhere (to the library, bookstore, or cafe) and the home would be a sanctuary for rest and enjoyment. For the first time I felt it in my bones - the importance of leaving work/school where it belongs and keeping it away from where it doesn't. I realized that by thinking about school during my minimal leisure time meant that I was still doing school. Mentally. As a result, I didn't have any leisure time. That's why it drove me crazy.
Even though my schedule isn't perfect and I still do school at home, it helps tremendously to do it elsewhere at least some of the time. This teaches me to separate school from life and vacates certain amount of energy for recuperation. The principle applies to other areas as well. When I'm at the store, I try to not think about anything else but my primary purpose - buying things I need. I won't be thinking about the papers I need to write, because I can't write them at the store. And I won't be calculating the time I have left for a certain assignment, because I'm still at the store, shopping. Separation keeps me sane and gives me power. It took me only a year to begin to make changes...

Glimpses of Sunshine

2011-09-08T10:11:00.001-04:00

I'm amazed how some difficult, painful, and highly annoying situations can contain satisfaction and positive energy. School is taking its toll on me. Most of the time I walk around depleted, angry, and annoyed, because there's so much to do. I can't contain much information in my head anymore. Sometimes, every sentence I read produces a grumbling sound in my throat just because I'm overly irritated. It feels like the neurons in my brain are on crack, firing incessantly. At some point I sit down and cuss at my life, sending everything to hell.
Then, a moment arrives that somehow alleviates the tension and I can see through the dark clouds. I see a shining sun that illuminates my being, reminding me of the reasons why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm reminded of one of my biggest purposes and finally I can take a breath. I smile to myself, feeling satisfied that I took on this annoying, difficult, and painful journey of education. At that moment, I feel encouraged to go through the motions, slowly but surely. I gather those moments, because they are the ones to sustain me on my journey. No matter how difficult the path is, it is worth only when we know that the path moves us toward our values.

Choices

2011-07-31T09:54:00.000-04:00

Life gives us choices. Sometimes, these choices are easy to make, but sometimes they are not. When doubt emerges, it looks like a helper at first, but when it lasts for a long time, it's a poison. If doubt prevents us from making a productive choice, we tend to make a choice to linger in the middle, which rarely brings satisfaction. It's a stalled position that creates no growth, only turmoil. We may think, "Well, I like the choice A, but I also like the choice B. I can't just let any of them go. I want to choose both." So we fool ourselves by thinking that we chose both, whereas in reality we chose none. Life continues to be lived half-heartedly.
At some point, we realize that sitting on two chairs simultaneously isn't working. We're faced with the same choice again. A or B? Damn, it's still hard. But this time, we approach the dilemma with awareness that only one must be chosen. Whether we feel it's fair or not, limited or not, doesn't change the fact. Either A or B. A or B. There's no AB. Here comes our live's uncomfortable moment, when we risk to be drastically mistaken. Or we risk to terribly miss something that we left behind and thus experience some pain. One thing I'm beginning to realize: One can't live a fulfilling life without taking risks when they are called for. So the choice now is: A fulfilling life or non-fulfilling life? We can't have both.

Rain

2011-07-04T09:25:00.000-04:00

It has been raining and thundering in Florida for a while now. Every day it's raining and the sun comes out randomly whenever it pleases, if it pleases. After a while, it started to become annoying. Couldn't go out anytime I wanted. Couldn't go to the pool whenever (not that I planned to swim anyway...). Yesterday, I found out that many states in the US suffered from the lack of rain and the result was lack of water for many cities. That totally switched my perspective and I felt a bit guilty for not appreciating nature as it presented itself. I have been too concerned about my own comfort. Sometimes, Life does the work for us, providing a larger perspective on things; but sometimes, we have to do this work ourselves, without external reminders. I guess, once again, I will tell myself that things happen for a reason and whatever is happening is for my own advantage, whether I realize it or not.

... And It Is Given

2011-06-15T19:56:00.001-04:00

Once again... I confirm...
When we turn to Life and ask for something that we really want or need, it takes heed. How many times have you asked but not seen or felt the results? Does that mean that nothing happened, or could that mean that we just didn't pay attention or connect the dots?

That, which takes for us to actually begin to trust Life is the results that are continuous and observable. Such are human beings. We want to be able to feel the gift with any of our five senses, otherwise we're oblivious or skeptical. Those, who attempt to trust in Life without apparent "evidence" do not look credible.

Does Life care that you want to see it to believe it? No. It just does its own thing and if you connect the dots, you do; if you don't, you don't. At some point, one can choose to start to notice the connection between what is requested and what is given. Many times we will notice that much is indeed given.

Often it happens that Life takes the opposite direction of what we'd have wanted or planned, and then we feel discouraged and disillusioned. But do you really think that you always know better? Do you think that your limited mind supersedes the wisdom of the Universe? If you do, you're on a long way of perpetual struggle.

Oscillation

2011-06-11T15:10:00.000-04:00

Today is the 4th or 5th day that I eat things that I prefer I didn't eat. Guilt creeps in and begins to torture me. I have gone such a long way to reach my goal weight and finally look the way I wanted to. Certainly, weight loss was reached by eating too little at times. For the past three weeks I have eaten too little due to me being in a different country. Now that I'm back to the States, I crave chocolate, carbs, and all the stuff that my body hasn't cared about earlier.

My question to myself is: Should I continue my routine of constantly thinking about what and how much I eat? Should I constantly be mindful and limiting?

If my answer is yes, I already know that it will lead to stress. And stress will lead to more unnecessary food. So what should I do?

I guess deep down I know that my only option is to accept change. There is no way around it. The more I deny change, the more rigid I become, the more stressed, and the more discontent. I am accepting the fact that there will be days when I will do things that I'm not proud of. Days when I gain weight. And some more. And then I might not even fit into my dress. But, once that happens, I also know that it's in my hands to regulate my weight and get into that dress again.

The case in point: Oscillation is normal within a personally established range. Once you establish it, give yourself some freedom to move anywhere you want within it.

Fear of Contentment

2010-11-24T14:19:00.002-05:00

Why do people fail to accept contentment permanently?
There are long periods of misery in our lives, obstacles, problems, and much negativity. We complain and claim that we want to feel better. Some of us even embark on a journey to improve our lives.
But along the way, we resort to our old behaviors, thoughts and feelings.
Aside from the fact that old habits are hard to break, an important branch stands out - addiction to familiarity and fear of the unknown.
This is how it looks like:

We're discontent to the point of not wanting to continue the old way
We brainstorm the new way
We take action (often not applicable)
We start to practice new ways, getting acclimated to newness
Instead of feeling anticipated improvement, there's a nagging feeling of oddity
Oddity adds to our irritation and growing discontent
Reflection follows: We don't know how to live and feel better for more than a day or two or a week; it freaks us out
Tired, we go back to the familiar, even though it's still dissatisfying
After a short period of rest, we try again, and the circle continues

We want to feel good but we don't know how to live with it for a long time. We need the emotions that have fueled us for years, most of which are negative.

What does it take to break free?

Is it facing our fears of constant joy, subsequent imaginable boredom, and realization that we deserve better?

My Life - My Choices

2010-08-29T11:14:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking lately how I'd let my behaviors, decisions and life flow to be severely influenced by everything external, such as customs, social norms, family convictions, and eventually my own perception of things, ingrained in me while I was growing up. Looking at my life at the moment, I confess that I have no contentment in any areas.
Reflecting on the reasons, I understood that whatever I am or have has been solely my personal choice, whether it was conscious or unconscious. I asked myself two questions: "What is it all about?" and "What can be done about it?"
I let go of the responsibility for my own life years ago, without realizing it. I went with the flow of the family, society, friends. But I didn't go with the flow of myself. Someone determined for me what I could or could not do; what I could or could not be; and what I could or could not think.
Trying to blend and fit in, I adjusted, because it was "better." But I never asked a question "Better for whom?"
It wasn't better for me because my true desires were largely ignored. Until now.
Asking myself, what I want to be, do or have, I inevitably confront a wall of my own limited mind. The profound sense of discontentment pushes me to break that wall because it doesn't make sense anymore to live my life the way someone/something else tells me to. In reality, no one cares. I've made choices to appease someone/something that doesn't even care about my happiness. So it's time to start caring for myself.
I have this unique chance on this Earth to live my life the way I want to, which means that obstacles are irrelevant. Obstacles are empty concepts, acquiring weight only through our limited beliefs. The water doesn't care how many stones it meets - it keeps flowing around until it reaches a place where it wants to be. And even then it still goes further.
I have a choice to get discouraged and stop pursuing my dreams because it's too difficult, too slow, too impossible, too improbable, too late, too whatever. It wouldn't matter to anyone.
Or I have a choice to move on, persistently finding my way around. It would matter to me.
I deserve to be and have whatever I want, no matter how outlandish it looks like. Why? Because it's my life, my gift.

Answered Prayers

2010-08-28T10:03:00.000-04:00

When we pray, we don't know if the prayers are answered. We hope they are but we can't put our finger on it.
But just because we can't see or touch the outcome, doesn't mean that it's not there. We don't make 99% of connections between the cause and effect anyway, but we're at least capable of realizing this fact.
If we ask for a blue Jeep and the blue Jeep isn't there the next day, we see that the prayer hasn't been answered the way we expected. Yet, there are other prayers we have, for peace of mind, a successful outcome of a certain situation, an insight about something, courage, or other intangible things.
The more we're in touch with ourselves, the more we can recognize that the prayers are answered. But it happens the way it's best for us. Whatever the outcome of a certain situation is, it's always beneficial for us. The insight we had may not even look like an insight, yet it's there. Courage may have grown, maybe not so explicitly, but in the form of a single thought that pushes us forward. But it may not look that way because we have different expectations.
We're always assisted by people here on Earth as well as other beings whom we can't see. We're not meant to do and achieve everything on our own. In fact, there's no such thing as "on our own" because Life cooperates with us by default at all times.

Through Disapproval

2010-06-10T13:43:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about it many times before, but it's getting clearer to me now more than ever.
Contemplating on what I want to be or to do, what I am or am not, what I want and don't want - removed some of the fog around those subjects.
One of the things I'm starting to get used to: If I want to stop feeling wishy-washy and want to determine and be what I really am, I will consciously enter the camp with two opposing sides - those who like me and what I do, and those who don't. The real challenge is to accept this and learn to live with it, comfortably.
No one is accepted and liked by everyone. It's not even necessary. We're not here to be liked and approved by everyone. We're here to serve those who let us serve them. Those are the people who accept us and what we do, and those are the people we should truly focus on during the moments of disapproval and dislike by the opposition.

Right Piece at the Right Time

2010-06-09T13:21:00.000-04:00

Many of us want to have everything all at once, including the information. We want to know as much as there is to know, right here, right now; or we're attempting to acquire knowledge as fast and as frequently as possible. It all stems from the desire to be in control - the more knowledge we have, the more in control we feel.
However, life, as usual, has wiser agendas for us than we might have for ourselves. The more we're open to life and the more trust we have in its processes, the more things we notice to come into our experiences at the right time and place.
Information seems to come right when we need it and sometimes we wonder how come we've never noticed or thought of it before.
I find it fascinating to observe such instances in my life. There's so much to know and often, when I'm overwhelmed and confused, I'm given the right piece in the right proportion. I attend to it and learn, knowing that that is what I need. It also helps me to relax in my frantic chase of all possible knowledge. I guess life is much more precise and selective.

Life in a Moment

2010-06-08T12:49:00.001-04:00

It is indeed true that at any time in point our minds are scattered around the past, present and future. We find it extremely hard to focus on here and now without our minds wandering away. Even during the best moments in our lives, such as a wonderful vacation or meeting a great partner or witnessing the birth of a baby, our minds aren't fully present. During the vacation, we might think about returning to that beautiful place next year, what we'll do and where we'll go; when having fun with our new partner, we wonder how long it might last, whether he/she is really the one, and how our lives might turn out together; when a baby is born, we might think about what he/she'll look like in the future, what the baby will become and what direction he/she'll take.
An inability to be wholeheartedly present in any particular moment robs us from true joy of life. Every day is like an illusion, in which we half-participate. Life passes us by, waving along, and we're just watching, only occasionally touching its surface.
Recently, I've been asking myself a question, "Is this how I want my life to feel?" The answer is clear no. My constantly scattered mind keeps me in a cycle of endless worry, needless over-analysis and numbness. I've been doing that for way too long. It's time to start changing the pattern.
So today, I will attempt to focus on any task at hand - be it the conversation with a person, fitness activity, walking, driving, eating or anything else. I'll try to pay attention to the entirety of any given moment and see how it feels. Today will be one day that will not carelessly pass.

The Stripes of Life

2010-06-04T15:48:00.000-04:00

In the middle of an ordeal, we often forget that most things have a beginning and the end. When we're distraught, we lose focus and feel like it will never end, which in turn makes us feel worse.
Sometimes one thing comes after another, forming a seemingly endless cycle. When anger overwhelms us, feeling of helplessness makes us give up and say "Whatever. I don't care anymore."
Of course we care, otherwise we wouldn't feel bad. But the exhaustion is exacerbated by the perception of endlessness.
So when I feel like giving up and screaming, I do scream or whatever makes me feel better, but then I remind myself, "Even though sometimes life enjoys playing this evil game with me, giving me one challenge after another with no break, it can't last forever. Nothing lasts forever. It will end. Soon."
Some relief is followed, until the moment I lose focus again and sink into my dark pit. But I'm relentless in reminding myself, Nothing Lasts Forever...
The black stripe of life is always followed by a white one. It's the law of balance and contrast. Keep focused on that white stripe as much as possible and it will facilitate your arrival there.

Unpredictable Future Feelings

2010-06-02T15:41:00.001-04:00

It's been around 90F in the house for several days due to a broken AC. It was a torture - constant sweating and drained energy. It exacerbated all other issues I've been dealing with prior to breakage.
Finally the AC was fixed. Last night I was lying in my bed and before falling asleep, I strongly appreciated the temperature. But I couldn't feel as much joy as I had wished. Why? The issues that were present were still gnawing at me. The situation of winning a lottery popped in my head and I asked myself if that's what usually happens after one wins. We wish for that so strongly and think that once we do, our problems will be solved and we'll be happy. Or will we? I can say that we might be happy-ER but not happy. We might be relieved or more comfortable but it's not really happiness itself. Problems won't go away, even though they might be ameliorated.
I was happier to have AC turned on. I was comfortable and relieved. But it didn't feel as grandiose as I expected although it didn't tamper with my appreciation.
Expecting how you might feel, provided certain circumstances, might not be so due to our faulty understanding of the causes of our issues. Life is simple, yet it's not.

People - Like Carrots

2010-05-18T20:02:00.000-04:00

Another analogy popped into my head today when I was eating baby carrots. I started to chew off the top layer first, to get done with the bitter part, and left the inside for the end because it was the sweetest. When I wondered about this principle, it reminded me about how people usually were - bitter outside and sweet inside.
To protect ourselves from true or perceived threats, we build up a cover that tastes bitter, some more than others. But deep down, the essence of every single human being is love, the sweetness, no matter how inconspicuous it is for the outside world or even to the person him/herself.
Some of us take time and effort to taste that sweetness in ourselves and others, some of us don't, thinking that the bitter outside part is all there is. But the sweet essence is always there and if we keep that in mind, maybe our relations with other humans would be a bit more pleasant.

Smell the Air

2010-05-11T20:58:00.000-04:00

I came home from the gym and when I entered my room, I inhaled fresh air from an opened window. I always open my window to let the essence of life in, to nourish and envigorate me. But when I'm in the room, I don't sense it much. It takes me leaving the house and coming back after a while to feel the freshness that uplifts me. I haven't thought much about the air. It's invisible and it doesn't smell anything unless it's mixed with something.
The air in my room was mixed with the smell of trees, grass, and something else. It made my evening. It was beautiful and yet so simple. Once again, I concur that the pleasant things are usually very simple. Just notice.

It Begins With You

2010-05-09T15:18:00.001-04:00

The more I seek and find value in myself, the more I like myself, and the more I like myself, the better I feel.
I figured that the experience of life begins with you and ends with you. Through your own prism, life unfolds. To make it pleasant, you have to learn to love and accept yourself the way you are. To change your world, you have to learn to love and accept yourself the way you are. It doesn't take something or someone else first. It takes you first.
The negative feelings stem from your negativity toward youself. It's difficult to truly love anything or anyone before you love yourself first.
So here's the answer - step on a path to learning. Learning to treat yourself with respect, love, care, consideration, veneration, and sacredness. An immense power lies in it. It enters you and gives you wings. It makes you feel that you're in control of your experiences, because you are.
I see the progress with my bare eyes. I see how accepting myself, one piece at a time, brings so much joy and relief. With less and less rejection of who I am, I finally get a glimpse of my true beauty. By harnessing that vibration, I radiate joy and inspiration onto others. What can be better?

More about Self-Love

Your Own Way

2010-05-08T16:58:00.000-04:00

At some point, hopefully, we'll come to a breaking point when we realize that we're no longer able to live our lives others want or expect us to live. So many years we spend on trying to please the loved and not-so-loved ones that we forget what we're here for. Fear of rejection, condemnation, judgment, and being misunderstood and unaccepted steers us to the wrong path - living someone else's life.
Once we're fed up, we learn that the only life worth living is an authentic life, the one that truly makes us happy. Only through that we're able to contribute ourselves into the world. But first, we need to undertand that there's no other way but to face our fears head on.
I'm torn from inside to acknowledge the fact that by choosing to live my life the way I want to will most likely create a chasm between myself and certain people whom I love the most. No longer am I willing to live life according to their expectations or make choices that would please them. From now on I will listen to my heart and try to hear what it tells me. Then follow its path. I'm not responsible for others' perceptions, nor am I responsible for their unhappiness or discontentment. I'm only responsible for my own happiness that I intend to manifest.
The only prerequisite for whatever I just said, is realizing life's true value and our ownership.

Discomfort of Joy

2010-05-06T11:03:00.002-04:00

Last night, while falling asleep, I started to contemplate on my relationship with happiness, joy, elation, contentment. I imagined a period of time when I was elated, enthusiastic and very positive. Then I assessed my feelings and how they developed in the process of me being positive. I noticed a shocking truth - the longer I felt the elation, the more uncomfortable I became, as if it were something unnatural. I then attempted to restore the natural, heavy state that I was used to having my entire life.
Is that the reason why I unconsciously create issues for myself, so that I'd have something to worry or feel bad about? It seems like discomfort and dicontentment have become the basis of my existence and the joyous occurrences are like the wind that blows on the surface.
On one hand, I wasn't happy to learn how messed up I was; on the other, I was glad to learn about probably one of the most important blocks that prevented my true enjoyment of life.
Finally I realized that just like I created my own heavy background upon which life unfolded, I can as well create a different background, the one of sustained joy, contentment and happiness. It has to be taken in small doses though, increasing the duration of joy one minute at a time, getting used to the feeling, until we become completely comfrotable with experiencing happiness on a constant basis.

The Best or Not The Best

2010-05-05T11:21:00.000-04:00

Here's another analogy that came to my mind before bed last night:
You're in a grocery store, in a juice aisle. You look around, trying to pick the one that you want the most. Should it be pineapple or orange? Or maybe you should buy plum or apricot juice instead? You stand there for a while, not certain which one to take. Finally, you get a mango juice that's exotic and sweet.
At home you try it and you like it. But on the back of your mind you think, "What if the plum juice were better? Or maybe pineapple? Pineapple could have been even sweeter..." While drinking the mango juice, you can't help but contemplate the "what-ifs" and miss the acute taste of mango and the true sweetness of it.
It seems like we can't fully enjoy what we have chosen because the thought of possibly having something better pains us deep inside. Until we realize that there's no such thing as "the best," we will never learn how to enjoy life. Once we see that what we have is good for now, and that Now is all we have, it turns out that it is all well, in a larger scale.

100%

2010-05-02T14:40:00.000-04:00

It dawned on me today how much it matters when you are 100% sure what you want to do in life. It doesn't have to be for the rest of your life, although it could. Some invisible doors open and the wind, pouring in, catches you into the world of all possibilies. You're not scared of the obstacles because you look past them to where your desire is already fulfilled. It resembles a manic state of motion until you get what you want. The want to have or be something becomes a need although it's still a want, a strong and powerful want.
But how come do we still get entangled in excuses and fears? Maybe the want isn't 100%. Or maybe there are other wants that we have, which makes us share the energy between those wants. Can a 100% be achieved only by wanting one thing at a time? After all, life does work by one step at a time.
Our minds are too clouded and hearts too muted for us to hear anything authentic within ourselves. We keep wanting one thing after another, not sure, making up excuses to not pursue something. To find out what it is that our hearts respond to 100% (not 99.9%) takes work. Once that 100% is achieved, life will take care of the rest.

Daydreaming

2010-04-30T21:13:00.000-04:00

On my way home from the gym I suddenly discovered that I've been daydreaming all my life. I remember denying this fact in the past, rationalizing that I wasn't fantasizing per se. But I think the definition is not that limited. Daydreaming is more like being somewhere else in my head, without fully being where I am at the moment or paying attention to details. It's like my body is here but my mind isn't.
Of course when I'm required to focus, I very well can. But when not engaged in particular tasks, I'm drifting away, nowhere in particular, leaving my body to move by itself.
Maybe that's one of the reasons why I haven't enjoyed life to the fullest. How could I if I haven't even been here? Everything around me has been passing by and the only things retained in my memory were perceptions, feelings, and emotions. Colors, shapes, sizes, places, people... gone.
Maybe it was my psyche's natural way of escape and rest. Regardless, if I want to enhance my life, I need to come back where my body is, paying attention to the life now, see the beauty and wonder right here. It's almost like an awakening that brings so much energy and joy.

Breaking To Pieces

2010-04-28T09:11:00.001-04:00

Too much laundry to do this morning and I didn't know how to get it all at once into the washer. Something came up over and over and the laundry still wasn't loaded. Being annoyed by the amount of clothes, I unconsciously procrastinated. Eventually I figured that I didn't have to put all the clothes in at once. With three trips the thing would be done. Of course, I didn't want to make extra movements but it was the best option.
The situation made me think about my procrastination in certain life moments. I feel overwhelmed and while pulling my guts together to make a huge leap, I end up not leaping at all. Alternatively, I could break the plan down into small pieces and start completing it. After a while, the project would be half-done, then quarter-done and then done. Yes, it'd require extra movements but if we want to complete anything in life, we need to come to terms with it. The easy way is not always the best way. In fact, we learn that the small steps are much easier to make than a big jump. Much more things would be done in this world and much more contentment would happen.

Fatal Water

2010-04-27T21:50:00.000-04:00

Have you ever thought about water in the following way?
We know that water is the essence of life. The planet is mostly water. Water sustains life. No water, no life. Our bodies are composed from water for the most part.
Yet, I am fascinated to observe how plants die from excess water. And if a human drinks too much of it, kidneys can fail.
That makes me reflect on moderation. Everything in moderation cliche actually makes sense. What gives life can take it away...
Life turns out to be a striving for that middle, while we're wobbling from side to side. While we're striving for balance, we learn in the process. Oh, how fun is that?

Time Release

2010-04-27T16:31:00.000-04:00

When the song came on, I purposefully didn't turn it off this time. I wanted to see where I stood emotionally. So much time had elapsed and I wondered if there was any change, any progress, any improvement.
As the song played, all the memories came back and thus all the emotions. Tears covered my face once again.
But something was different. Even though I was immersed in the Old again, I was just immersed in it temporarily. I wasn't entirely there anymore because Time did fade some of it away. My Self was here, in the Now. I have a meaning and depth in my current life. I'm growing, learning and enjoying myself.
Ultimately, it's not about the past or that it still makes you cry. It's about the fact that the Present is as or more meaningful, deep and enjoyable as the Past. That's progress.

Thunder and Lighning

2010-04-26T10:42:00.000-04:00

Last night I was laying in bed, looking at my room in flashing lightning. The rain started to bang against the window. Lightning, thunder, banging rain outside. But I was inside, in my small room, in my small bed, with the roof over my head and a blanket to keep me warm. I would probably not even notice it hadn't I not imagined myself with no roof, no bed, sitting outside in the rain after midnight. A surge of gratitude enveloped me. Suddenly I felt so happy having what I had and being where I was, even though at other times I would have been discontent.
To become a little happier, we just need to learn to notice small things that surround, sustain and support us on daily basis. Nothing has any value until we assign it one and that depends on the perspective we take after a comparison.
I made a choice to compare myself being either outside, wet, under a thundering sky, or my small bed and a warm blankie, as opposed to being either in my small room and a small bed or a spacious room, king size bed, and a place where the skies didn't crack.
I fell asleep with a smile on my face even though the outside was frightening. Contentment made me feel a bit safer. And happier.

Ups and Downs

2010-04-25T18:50:00.000-04:00

The more I reflect on life, the more I see the pattern of opposites in its flow. Dark times follow bright times and then back to dark. Then back to bright. The neutral periods are just the transitions from one to the other.
But that's not the problem. The problem is getting stuck. Unfortunately, most often we get stuck in the dark periods, not able to get out. We clench to them so hard, believing that it'll never end or if it will, it won't be too soon. That perpetuates us sitting in the dark dump for longer than it could otherwise be.
If we make effort to notice that the ups are always following the downs, if we make effort to focus on that, it might give us some relief. Knowing that all things pass gives us hope. After a while, we learn to focus on the brighter part that is soon to come. How soon, it depends on us.
Even though internally I'm in total confusion and mess, and even though I've been there for longer than I would have liked, I refuse to believe and feel like it will never change because I know it will. Life doesn't stand in one place. I choose to keep in mind the picture I want to appear in my life scenario after the dark period is over so that I could enjoy it to the fullest.

Dare to Dream

2010-04-15T10:31:00.000-04:00

Too many of us often aim lower because our logic or common sense tell us it's unrealistic or even impossible. We go about our lives, trying to convince ourselves that in actuality we don't even want something of that magnitude and that we could very well do without it.
I learned another simple thing recently - whom am I benefiting with such thinking? Whom am I harming? Nobody. And myself.
I'm not doing anyone a favor by thinking that something is unrealistic and by wanting less. Life doesn't need such a favor. Nor do other people. My disbelief doesn't make the world a better place. The last person to benefit from this would be me. How does that look?
Who cares if something is realistic or not? Even the notion of realistic is man-made. It's based on probability, which depends on a certain person. Why can't I just want something big without having this annoying voice on the background, bringing me down? It doesn't make any sense. So I'm revising my desires and dreams, listing them in detail, and then, while I strive forward in life - I dream and I dream. It makes me feel good when I research and imagine something that I want - be it a degree, a skill, a certain type of job, a house, an appearance, anything. It's not as much about it coming true or not, as it's about letting my imagination go and enjoying myself.
It's known that if one is capable of imagining something, they are capable of getting it. And the reason why we don't is because we don't believe in it and/or don't truly want it.

Fake Smiles

2010-04-14T12:12:00.001-04:00

Fake things are annoying. I do not like fake. But how about fake smiles?
Coming to this country, fake smiles at every corner made me feel awkward. It took me a while to get used to. Six years later I visited my home and stopped by in Russia as well. There I worked for a while and soon I noticed how the gloomy environment started to take toll on me. After a brief analysis, I figured out the culprit: No smiles on people's faces. None whatsoever.
Yes, the people were authentic. If they felt blah, it showed on their faces.
Then I asked myself - what's better, to carry a fake smile or an authentic frown?
Psychologically, even a fake smile produces good-feeling hormones. So does looking at a smile. It doesn't negate the underlying pretense; however, visual cues have also a profound effect on human perception. The more we smile, the more we get used to it and the more natural it becomes.
I concluded that if I had to choose only between an authentic frown or a fake smile, I'd choose a fake smile.

Self-Made Bread

2010-04-12T16:59:00.002-04:00

My step-father's beautiful and delicious creation. How many of us enjoy a self-made bread that's free from hormones, pesticides, and preservatives? And it's still warm! Yumm :-) I'm going to snatch a piece from its side right now...

The Ultimate Goal

2010-04-12T16:09:00.000-04:00

I've been chasing after life's guarantees for so long. Never have I gotten close to that illusion. Only in my mind have I had an image of it, which had no essence to it. I knew that life was volatile, liquid, flowing, but my obssessed mind kept my nature in its tight and paralyzing grip, pushing me to bring it something that didn't exist.
Until I had enough.
The obssession turned into a physical hurt when my body started to let me know I was broken. What broke me was my perception of life, which created beliefs, behaviors, and expectations that rarely worked. I was basically poisoning myself, slowly.
Life has many great things to offer but singling out something particular and taking it out of the context leads to a fall. Obsessively wanting money and being blind to everything else in life leads to a fall. Obsessively wanting a career and the top spot and being blind to everything else in life leads to a fall. Yes, by the law of attraction in the Universe, we will get what we focus on. But unless other areas of life have also been attended to, we'll feel hollow. Something will always be missing and that will never make us feel good.
So what's the answer? What can we strive for that would not leave us feeling hollow? Something that will always make us feel good? The same answer that's been around for centuries. Thousands of years.
Joy.
Love.
Appreciation.
Balance.
Life finally made me come to my knees and say: I give up trying to control every single aspect of my life; I give up trying to prove that I can make it all by myself; I give up chasing things that make me partially content. I can't waste my precious life anymore.
So, Joy. To strive for joy is to strive for everything good that we need and want. Joy opens up the channels to the Bigger and More Expansive. It clears the path between us and the Universe. Thus, according to my logic, since Universe provides us with everything, we invite whatever we want into our lives more efficiently.
When we achieve the state of Joy, things that are the most pertinent for our experience will start knocking on our doors. Our soul knows what it wants and it will attract that, uncontaminated by fears and negativity. Money will come because the Universe cannot abandon us when we're open. The right career path will come the same way. And everything else will come.
It all sounds great to me but I know that it'll take much effort to reach my goal. However, I'd rather have that goal, no matter how difficult it is, because it'll give much more profound results, as opposed to chasing something that takes as much energy (or even more) but will disappoint me in the end.

Small Things for a Happier Day

2010-04-12T15:27:00.001-04:00

I'm going to come up with some random things right now to enhance my living experience today:

It's a beautiful day today and when I go outside for 5 minutes and inhale, my lungs are happy and I have a smile on my face.
Today I have more energy than yesterday and I'm happy about that.
I will exercise today and just a thought of that makes me content.
A bottle of water sits right next to me and I'm really happy that the Earth has still some pure water left. No water, no life. Yey to water!
I'm glad I have my cell phone so I can keep in touch with those who I want to keep in touch with. And those who I randomly text, just to say hi.
A book on the desk has information that I don't yet possess. I'm excited to read it to learn new things.
Nothing hurts in my body. It did yesterday and the day before, but not today. Ahhh, nice.
Even though many loved ones have either died or left, I still have loved ones now and they keep coming. Support, care, love, and generosity are vital to any human being.
Mom has a dog and I scratch and pat it whenever I feel like it - touch is a stress reliever.
I vacuumed the carpet in my room today and I feel much better about my life!

It took me less than 10 minutes to examine things my eyes spotted. The list is endless but right now it's enough for me to have a better day! Love to all.

Click here to Cherish Your Day!

Droplet

2010-04-12T14:10:00.000-04:00

It looks like water is a separate entity, once it acquires a certain shape.

Fascinating!

Dog After Eating

2010-04-12T13:57:00.000-04:00

This is my mom's dog who looks like this after consuming food. Priceless.

Wonderful Creations

2010-04-12T13:02:00.004-04:00

These are my mom's gorgeous creations. She grows them in her backyard. Once they were nothing and then, tadaa!! Look! Isn't it just amazing?

Fire from Within

2010-04-11T21:49:00.001-04:00

What would be the worst thing in human experiene? I can come up with several and add 6 billion other responses. But a thought of boredom struck my mind.
No, I'm not bored. I'm never bored. I don't know what boredom is because even when I don't do anything, my mind is always occupied.
But boredom is associated with lack of drive and that is my current focus. When you don't know what it is to not want anything at all, you won't understand how empty and hollow it feels. It's like you're dying. Slowly. The fire that you once had is withering away until it turns to white ashes, finishing their last glow.
I figure how important it is to have a drive. Any drive. Something that pushes you to live. It can be a drive to paint a picture or walk the dog, or read a book. But it's even better when you have a more expansive drive, pertaining to your purpose in life. You feel alive when you want to accomplish something.
Many don't realize the blessing of having that desire to do or be something. They are too consumed with the concerns about the process or complications or any other things. How many of you have sat down and recognized the fact that you actually want something? How many have been grateful just to have that burning sensation, the fire from within?
If you don't have it, seek it. Ask for it. It will be one of the most important things you've ever pursued.

Statistics

2010-04-11T10:02:00.001-04:00

After the Polish president plane crash yesterday, I reviewed my entire perception of flying, planes, and accidents. Not for the worse, but for the better.
Seeing so many people freak out about plane crashes didn't make sense to me in my heart, although in my head it did. "Another plane crash. See? It's so unsafe to fly!" is how it typically goes.
No, I couldn't just take it like that. Maybe my own inner fears pushed me to research objective information. I went online and read articles from various sources. There were many things I found out that definitely calmed me down. If I have a 1 to 9+ million chance to be involved in a plane crash and 1 to 56 million chance to be killed in the crash, then it doesn't make sense for me to fear every single take off and landing.
Or does it?
What are statistics anyway? How are they connected to life? A sentence in an article was a reason for me to pose this question. It said a simple thing: A person might fly for the first time ever and crash; someone else can fly their entire life and be perfectly fine.
Where do statistics fit in human life then? Clearly they do, but how?

My current thought process tells me this: Statistics is a separate entity that is by itself, still connected to the world because that's what they are counting, the worldly occurrences. However, the extent of a role that statistics play in human life depends on metaphysical factors, such as person's beliefs, faith, personal karma (if you believe in it), collective karma, person's current focus (thoughts on positive or negative), and more. Therefore, statistics are actually very subjective, since they are directly connected to a particular person.

Conclusion: I decide my own role of statistics in my life. I choose to play them to my advantage.

Find out more about how to survive a plane crash

Taking Risks

2010-04-10T13:41:00.001-04:00

"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down." -- Ray Bradbury

I saw this quote and at first, I concurred. Then, thoughts invaded my mind about taking chances. A question of balance emerged at the forefront. I understand the point of the quote but if I zoom it in, I wonder if we really "have got to jump off cliffs all the time." Taking risks is a great way to build a life of growth, learning, and strong emotions. But, is it about taking risks just because they are provided, or should we be more selective and use intellect to figure out what makes more sense?
There are many more questions I can raise but I will say only one more thing: There's a reason why humans were given the voice of the heart and the voice of the intellect. To neglect any of them would be unwise. Whichever speaks louder, should be the one followed.

Lily of the Valley - Convallaria Majalis

2010-04-10T10:37:00.001-04:00

I've never grown a plant. Gardening? Yawwwwn...
But I got one in a pot and now I'm taking care of it. It's my favorite flower - Lily of the Valley.
At first the soil had four or five white, uncertain looking shoots. I've never seen Lily of the Valley like that. It didn't look like a flower. In fact, it didn't look like anything at all.
I read the directions and followed them by placing the pot in a bright light, dry place, and then watered the soil. Nothing happened for couple of days. Then, I noticed a green leaf offshooting right into the sky. Oh my god, it was a leaf I recognized! Lily of the Valley has long and wide leafs, surrounding the flowers on the stem. A smile widened on my face. I was so happy that I was cultivating a beautiful life in a pot.
The directions said it'd take 5 weeks to see the plant in its whole beauty and I can't wait. I'm taking pictures every 4 days to note the progress.
When something emerges, grows, and changes so fast, it's witnessing a miracle. I'm dazed.

Find out more about Lily of the Valley

Letting Go of the Result

2010-04-09T13:13:00.000-04:00

For too long I've been concerning myself with the end result of whatever I was set out to do. That created so much pressure, that I lost the sense of joy in the process. There was no process because my mind dwelled blindly on the end.
I knew about the value of Now. In my head. But not in my heart. When it reached my heart, I confirmed that life was a volatile journey, not some place we reached in the end. So if we don't learn to enjoy the process, we won't enjoy life.
It's important to know where we want to go, to keep an eye on the prize, so to speak. But life happens now, not later. Learning to live now presumes learning how to let go of the mortal grip on the result. At first, it seems to be almost mutually exclusive. How can you let go of the end, if the end is what you're striving for?
I guess the only way is to change the perspective and understand that the process isn't less important or valuable than the result. Or to understand that the process is all we have, just like we have only today, not yesterday or tomorrow.
It isn't my business to make everything happen the way I want to. It is my business to do whatever I can to get there. However it turns out, life will decide. Once again, a humble reminder: Life is wise; it gives us the most appropriate things at the most appropriate times. Incorporating that in our minds gives us a huge sense of relief.

A Recurrent Word Might Matter

2010-04-09T11:03:00.001-04:00

My question is: How do you know, if what you say to the other, has any effect on them? How do you know that it even matters?
Regardless how much you try, it seems like you're talking to a wall because nothing changes. The same issues arise and the same reactions are given. Then you talk to them again, hoping that maybe this time they will hear. Doesn't seem like it. Again.
Year after year it continues and eventually you're thinking of giving up. But there's no way for you to know what other person is thinking or feeling about what you've been saying over the years. Maybe a word or two got deposited, consciously or unconsciously, somewhere.
At some point, their guard may fall down, and you see that so many things you've said have been considered and thought about. But you also realize that the reason for you not seeing it was because of other's fear and pain. It's hard to see yourself flawed. It's hard to recognize that you've been hurting others, including the dearest ones.
All you can do is to express yourself to others. It's none of your concern how it'll be utilized and whether it will be at all. At some point, a word or many recurrent conversations may take a person from one level to the next.

Escape Into the Simpler

2010-04-08T16:17:00.003-04:00

Recently, my behavior has raised a question for me: Where is my interest in Fantasy coming from? I've never read any Fantasy books nor have I ever been interested in doing so.
Then came Harry Potter. Later came Funke's Inheart and Inkspell (no money for Indeath yet). Now it's Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson stories. What's even more peculiar is the fact that all those books are placed in Kids section in bookstores.
After years of Wayne Dyer, Chopra, Gregg Braden, Miguel de Ruiz, Esther & Jerry Hicks, and other writers who talk about the fabric of existence, expanding the perception of life, I plunge into kids stories. Is that the way my brain is asking to chill and rest? Or to entertain itself? Or to escape...
I figured that in every area of life, our beings need balance. Too much thinking and analyzing, reflecting and pondering, needs to be balanced with something of different quality. It might be silence. Or reading kids books.
I'm amused to see myself addicted to monster fighting stories. Not everything has to be so serious.

Rick Riordan's fun way to get away

The Velocity of Emotion

2010-04-06T13:48:00.001-04:00

I was annoyed. Then irritated. Then angry. Then furious. All in a matter of 15 seconds. I couldn't help myself because I let my button to be pressed.
It was something about accidentally deleting contacts from an email contacts list. I was interrupted in the middle of a phone conversation to help out with that. The screen clearly said "You have no deleted contacts." The button above said "Contacts" where a normal person would click and find contacts, and the "You have no deleted contacts" doesn't mean that all your contacts have been erased.
I asked my mother to tell me what the screen said. She said "So?" I asked her again, what does the screen say. "I know." Can you please tell me what the screen says? "I'm not a stupid puppet to answer this." My point was to have her read the screen and understand that the answer was right there. She never tries to understand what's written in front of her face, no attempts to explore and figure out.
I left the computer, telling her I was upset because she never answered any questions straightforwardly. Never. She has "So?" "I understand," "I already know," "What's your point?" and such replies in her arsenal. No respect for my request to get the answer. Forget it. How can you ask for respect if you don't give it? I kept speaking but she wouldn't listen. She didn't care to hear me. All that mattered was her being right and getting her point across.
I went to bed with such fury that the tears couldn't restrain themselves. I was ready to blow up an entire house. Destroy everything that my eyes touched.
After a minute or two, I reminded myself that staying in such rage actually harmed me. Just recently I spoke about positive thinking and awareness of our negative, irrational thinking. I wondered if it was possible to make myself feel better and how long it would take.
Her opinion has nothing to do with my life. Her being whatever she was has nothing to do with my life. My reactions to her stupidity is my own fabrication. I'm allowing her to affect my life the way she does. In essence, it doesn't even matter. The fact that she's the most important person in my life doesn't mean that I should merge my soul with hers and let all of her go through me.
I noticed that trying to step aside and observe my rage did calm me down a bit. But just a bit. Emotions have their own velocity. With clear mind we can affect that velocity but we can't cancel it. Time is a prerequisite.
If I didn't take effort, I would contribute much more negativity and toxicity into the atmosphere and my own body. But it takes time to deliberately lead emotions where you want them to go.

Odd Windows of Opportunity

2010-04-04T13:24:00.000-04:00

I am a white girl, brought up in a secluded white culture, focused on Classical music education, playing my violin, talking about life and philosophy and growth, knowing nothing about sports, never coming in touch with drugs or violence or whatever else that's out there. To an extent, here's a limited me, that I've taken up to expand in all possible directions.
Then there's boxing. What do I know about boxing? Why would I want to know anything about boxing? Boxing plays no part in my life, like a Pluto that's not even a planet anymore.
I was taken to watch boxing last night. At first, my face was flat. Sure, I said, why the heck not? I can watch a boxing match. Who cares about me always avoiding seeing or engaging in any physical altercations? Who cares about the most irrelevant situation I was placed into? And who cares that the match started at 9pm when I was actually very tired?
It took me a moment to reframe the situation. Okay, I said to myself. If I'm already here, I might as well use it to my advantage. Let me just see what it's about and learn about something I never knew or saw. It's my choice to utilize this opportunity or reject it, just like I've done many times before.
Later, guess what? The match lasted for 3.5 hours and even though I was exhausted by the end, I never lost the thread of attention that bound me to the screen. I laughed and cringed and expressed my discontent, depending on what I saw. My mind never stayed at surface level. Does it ever? I saw more than the screen showed.
Did I expect to gather what I gathered when the match was over? No. I used an odd window of opportunity to learn and it envigorated me.
Repeated conclusion: Every situation has a world in it and even when it might look strange, it's often worth to plunge into.

Knowledge is Control

2010-04-02T13:22:00.000-04:00

Learning to uncover the reasons for our feelings always pays off. When we're angry, understanding the source of that anger will help us to stay clearer in thoughts and behaviors. It will dissolve the confusion in our heads that would otherwise make us even angrier.
It's not about the trigger situation, such as someone yelling at us, us losing something valuable, or whatever else. It's about the reasons for reacting to triggers the way we do. Why am I angry about a random person yelling at me? Or why am I angry that I lost my something?
Once we have our possible or definite versions, it almost makes our reactions comical. It's as if we're watching ourselves from the distance. And maybe the situation ceases to feel as serious as it was. We're observers now, not the only participants. That's how we regain a part of control that we almost lost.

Lost in a Disney World

2010-04-01T09:57:00.000-04:00

In continuation to the previous post, I realized that most of us are actually lost in the Disney World. We were given maps upon birth but after a while we've lost them. Some maps are still in our hands but they are so faded that we can't see the directions anymore. Or, it might be, that we have a map but simply can't read or understand it. Regardless, we're lost.
We keep walking around, either following other people and their trajectory, or doing things that look engaging to us. But most of those things are either not that exciting or not what we like at all.
Some of us ask for help how to get to a certain place. We go, but then there's a chance to get lost again because we're surrounded by too many things. Time goes by and we still haven't gotten where we wanted to go. Or maybe we have and we take the same ride, over and over and over, until we're about to puke. Should we get off the ride or ride on? We don't know where to go next, we have no map, so maybe we should stay on the ride, even if it makes us puke...
In the end, many don't even know where they want to go. They might have a map but nothing looks too exciting. They try one ride after another and it seems sort of okay. Until maybe, hopefully, they see something on the map or the road that catches their attention: That's exactly what they were instinctively looking for!

Life, Like a Disney World

2010-04-01T09:45:00.002-04:00

The other day, when I was contemplating about life again (!), an image popped in my head - an analogy of life. Like Disney World.
In Orlando, Florida, Disney has four major parks and two water parks. The vastness of the territory is indescribable. So is the activity selection in each park. It is massive. Each park has so much to do and to see that it's impossible to enjoy everything in one day, comprehensively. It's not even possible to run through all the stuff. And there are three more parks, plus water parks.
Life works basically the same way: We came here and were given only one day to enjoy the ride. We were also given general maps to orient ourselves, where to go and what to see. Then it's up to us to choose where we want to go. If we want cultural education and more chill atmosphere, we go to Epcot. If we want a fairy tale world with lots of characters, we go to Magic Kingdom. If we love water and want different rides, we go to Blizzard Beach.
We crave to experience all the parks and everything in them, but we know that we can't in one life time. So we look at the map, select the hot spots according to our personal liking, and embark on a journey.

Get lost in the Disney World

Bird Chirp

2010-04-01T09:26:00.000-04:00

It's a gorgeous day outside! I woke up almost when intended and went outside for a walk. No one was around but me, telling myself the life scenario I intended to create.
Suddenly, my ears went sharp and heard bird chirping all around me. One bird was sitting on top of a tall street light, screaming away. I stopped, covered my face from a blaring sun, and watched the bird's beak open and close, open and close. That one bird had so many versions of a song! All different. I was fascinated. It looked like a monologue with the nature. So cute!
Other birds were doing the same in the distance. I realized how rarely I noticed their voices and how valuable they actually were. The chirping in the air made life more alive and colorful. Can you imagine the outside world, completely silent?
I stood by the pole for a while, with a silly smile on my face :-)

A Boy on a Bike

2010-03-31T13:16:00.000-04:00

I was riding my bike yesterday and a little boy passed me on his little bike. He looked at me with big eyes, fascinated by the size of my bike. Mine wasn't anything special. It was just bigger. I wondered if the boy compared his small bike to mine and thought that mine was better because it was bigger.
The situation reminded me about the human nature and how some parts of it manifest through all ages. Aren't we doing the same thing as adults? Comparing what we have or what we are to others? Thinking that others' lives are better, happier, more significant or more meaningful? Or that others are smarter, prettier, funnier, more interesting, and more intelligent?
In essence my bike wasn't better than the boy's. It was just bigger. If we traded our bikes, then none of us would feel comfortable. We wouldn't enjoy the ride.
I wanted to tell the little boy to look at his own bike and just have fun riding it. After all, his bike was really cool.

Everything Smell

2010-03-30T15:10:00.001-04:00

If I lit all those candles at once, in a bundle like this, I wonder what the smell would be like :-/

Explore the smells of Yankee

Beauty Pain

2010-03-30T14:55:00.000-04:00

Oh, how I'm hurting right now! My legs and my butt! When I walk, I walk like an old, crippled woman. When I sit, I sit like a stone statue because if I move, I produce an awkward screech of pain.
That's the price - the price for beauty. What wouldn't you give for beauty? I literally worked my butt (and legs) off yesterday because I want to get in shape. So I persevere. Not suffer or tolerate. I persevere. For my focus is on the good stuff - on what the pain leads to. It hurts me but it doesn't make me suffer. Through each sore muscle, I build my body and my character. Fits me!

Whiteness

2010-03-30T12:21:00.001-04:00

A talk on TV about Norway caught my ear. It described Norway's culture and customs, while showing the country's snowy landscapes.

NORWAY... Why does my soul echo to that vast whiteness? What is it that calls me, whispering? I'm not from there. I don't know the language or customs. I've never stepped on that land. Yes, I'm from North and I like snow, but that's not it.

It's the color. Color White. When the grounds are covered with Whiteness, muffling all the sounds around, when there's no wind and the sun is shining - it creates a sense of bliss, harmony, and peace. A fairy tale. I feel like I'm covered with a feather blankie.
No, it's not the cold that calls me. It's that sense of peace and beauty that I'm striving for. I suppose every one of us has a scenario of pure bliss where we go at times, just to feel that innate calmness that we're entitled to.

Find out about NORWAY

Sunrise in the Rain

2010-03-29T15:18:00.000-04:00

This morning I woke up at 7am (way too early, considering the fact that I went to bed after midnight), to meet the sunrise. My body wasn't happy about it but I pushed it to get up. I put my sneakers on, the clothes, and grabbed an umbrella. Outside - pouring rain!
Step after step I moved forward. Yawn. No one was around. Just the heavy rain. I decided to program my day in advance - I wanted a positive day. I thanked the Sun for coming up although it hid itself behind an overcast; I thanked the rain for pouring, for it had its benefits; I thanked my body for waking up and walking me through the wetness early in the morning. I made myself content.
Then I got stuck in the middle of a sidewalk puddle. The water streamed into my shoes and socks. If I stood there, barefoot, it'd feel the same. Step after step I moved forward again. Cringing. Why such a reaction? After all - if I thanked the rain for pouring, why was I cringing at it? Nah, I continued to step bravely through the puddle.
I came home when the street lights were mostly out. I did it. It was nice.

Your Body Hears You!

2010-03-28T18:50:00.000-04:00

Since I refused to poison my body with antibiotics, I was determined to heal myself. So, the night before last, I went to bed and a wave of gratitude surged all over me. I felt so strongly how my body and all the cells were desperately trying to fight the bacteria that caused them so much pain. Without any instruction, they worked hard. I had an urgent need to talk to all my cells and thank them for the work they've done all these years, regardless of the abuse. I expressed my strongest love and gratitude I had inside my being. I even hugged myself tightly. I said "Please, be strong as much as possible. I don't want to feed you antibiotics because I know it would be the worst. I will help you too by taking measures."
Next morning I woke up and the pain was gone. I thought maybe it would come back after a while because strep throat doesn't just disappear like that. But the pain didn't return. Maybe my sincere prayer was the last straw of determination. Or maybe it was because I put out my entire soul during the conversation.
Body hears all your words and all your thoughts. Learn to respect and love it just the way it is because it works for you unconditionally.

Benefits of Pain

2010-03-26T20:40:00.000-04:00

No matter what hurts, I always think at the time how happy I would be if pain left. Then I realize that before pain arrived, I didn't feel the lack of that pain. In fact, my mind was completely elsewhere.
Oh, how happy I would be once nothing hurts again! Would I then make excuses for not doing or being something? Of course, I would. I always have. Such are humans. They need constant reminders.
However, even in my current pain, I keep reminding myself that it could be worse. Much worse. So, I can still feel quite content in my painful situation once I switch my perspective.

Love for Home

2010-03-26T18:17:00.002-04:00

I decided to check out web cameras in my home country, which I left years ago. I traveled there once, two years back. The cameras showed me traffic on certain streets. It was night time.
There they were - the cars, traffic lights, and the buildings. A surge of nostalgia enveloped me. It was overwhelming to the near point of tears. All those streets and buildings were so mine! I breathed them for almost my entire life. They were my reality until it changed. Now I'm looking back at the past, which, in fact, is the present. Do I want to go back? To live there again? This love that I have for my home country is still there, deep down, burning. Or is it just familiarity? If it's love, shouldn't I want to live there? Maybe. But there's a reason why I left. Could I come back years later? Something whispers to me that I could. But I will still have ties to the States. I won't break them because it's become my new home. Can I have two homes then? Yes, I can. And maybe in the future I will be able to experience those homes in sequence. A thought like that makes me feel relieved. Carrying love for my first home is envigorating, even though that home is far, far away.

Check out my home

Determined Wellness

2010-03-26T15:38:00.000-04:00

I'm having a sore throat for days now. It's highly annoying and disturbing but I am not going to go to the doctor because I have no health insurance. Plus, I refuse to feed my body with antibiotics, unless it's absolutely necessary.
OK then. Let me implement natural remedies, such as eating honey, drinking hot tea, gargling with baking soda or salt, and drink lots of water. It didn't get better but the thought of antibiotics was unacceptable. Faith. I must have faith in healing. I talk to my throat and I'm patient. I can take some pain.
Yesterday evening I noticed that the soreness lessened. The bumps in my throat were still there but they didn't hurt as much. This morning I gargled again and I'm convinced that I'll get better soon, even though it still hurts. I will get better.
Why? Because I'm trying to focus on health. Not on illness.

Learn the Truth about Apple Cider Vinegar and Weight Loss

2010-03-23T13:34:00.000-04:00

Learn the Truth about Apple Cider Vinegar and Weight Loss

I got ACV for my sore throat and when I was researching about the specifics of treatment, I stumbled on ACV and weight loss. I'm not looking for rapid weight loss anymore because it's unhealthy. Slow and steady is better. ACV might help me. Plus, it has so many more benefits! I'm really excited to start.

Tears

2010-03-23T11:58:00.001-04:00

I'm looking in front of me through a transparent water in my eyes. The room is silent. Finally I decided to sit down and just be. I'm wondering what I'm feeling and why I'm crying. Observing one thought after another gives me hints about what's going on in my heart. Bitterness. Exhaustion. Isolation. Entrapment. Where am I going? Why am I where I am emotionally?
Two issues come forward - isolation and self-criticism. Who am I fooling, trying to persuade that I don't need other people, that I can do it all by myself? This can't continue. I need to move back to society and let my guard down.
Constant judgment of myself also makes me feel horrible - nothing I am or do is ever enough. No matter how well I perform or how good I look, I always demand more. This can't continue either. Clearly none of those behaviors are conducive to happiness and happiness is something I'm deciding to strive for because ultimately life is about being happy and joyful.
A surge of relief ran thorough my body. I'm freeing myself from my own burden that I loaded upon myself long ago. I'm still looking in front of me through a transparent water but the tears are positive now. Same tears, just with the opposite meaning.

From a Musician to a Craftsman

2010-03-22T16:14:00.003-04:00

When I went to college, there was a girl who played the piano beautifully. I thought she'd become a professional pianist because she was talented and devoted. I was never friends with her though.
10 years passed. I forgot she existed. Today I stumbled on her profile on Facebook and her face looked familiar. Everything had changed in her life. Aside from three kids and a husband, she seemed to be dedicated to craft toy making. I opened her website and saw the cutest and extremely unique toys (rabbits, kittens, and other animals) that she had been knitting and sowing together. Why did I even go there? I never liked any toys...
It was baffling to see her in such a different role. Her craft was absolutely beautiful! I was impressed. And very inspired.

Check out those beautiful toys

Blahness

2010-03-22T15:04:00.000-04:00

Some days are just blah. Today's a very blah day. I don't know exactly why - maybe it's the rainy weather, maybe it's my a bit sore throat, or actually not enough sleep. Regardless, I'm not trying to force myself to be more lively or energetic. I don't think I'd succeed anyway. I decided to be just as I am. I can't feel on top every single day. Just like there are tides in the ocean, there are tides in our moods. The best thing I can do today is ask myself what I feel like doing and then do it. Even if it's something simple. Probably it will be something simple. And then it might even increase my mood a little bit!

Just Being

2010-03-21T16:42:00.000-04:00

I was sitting on the porch outside, cutting my nails. A dog was laying next to me. My mind was occupied with getting my nails cut so I could normally play my violin. The dog kept laying next to me, looking around and reacting to noises. It seemed so unconcerned about anything except what was happening at the time. I was. Just sitting on the porch, reacting to noises wasn't acceptable to me. I had to be productive. I had to cut my nails or think about what I was going to do next.
When I looked at the dog, I wanted some of that serenity. I just wanted to be able to sit on the porch and just sit there, without trying to be productive in any way or without analyzing how much time had elapsed. When I was done cutting my nails, I sat there and breathed. After 3 minutes I couldn't do it anymore and went inside.
I knew that I had a long way to go to learn how to just enjoy "non-action" - simple sacred thing.

The Best Things

2010-03-20T16:42:00.001-04:00

This morning, I didn't have cream cheese for my bagel. I really wanted cream cheese, but I figured that maybe this one day I can manage and eat something else. This idea, however, didn't sit with me well. So, I went to the store and got some cream cheese. My breakfast tasted better than ever.
Another sunny day today puts a smile on my face yet again. I'm sipping coffee with a Vanilla Caramel Coffee Mate creamer in it, which tastes yummy. Small things like that, alongside with a book that I keep reading every morning, make life more beautiful. At other times I wouldn't notice any of it and even if I did, I wouldn't give it much attention or appreciation. Now that I decided to take notice of as many life's beautiful creations, everything seems richer and more alive.
Small things that often hide themselves in the cracks of "serious" life are often the best things.

Keep Busy. Sometimes.

2010-03-19T20:56:00.000-04:00

I keep reconfirming the fact that when we're busy, we consume less food. Including junk food. When the day's calm and relaxed, I notice my mind wander toward the food land regardless of my hunger level. The need to chew is gnawing on me. Yet when I'm busy, my mind focuses on whatever I'm doing and hours pass by. In the end, I feel much better about myself - without junk in my intestines and with pride for my strength.
Conclusion? Keep yourself busy if you can. Use the time to be productive.
Typically I wouldn't profess using it as a distraction for certain issues (in this case, cravings) but for a while, it can work.

Pure Cuteness!

2010-03-19T19:27:00.000-04:00

This is one of the world wonders that elicits a smile and warms the heart. It's like a little human being on a blanket, except it's furry and soft. Playing with this alive toy would add an extra three years to my life!

Our True Nature

2010-03-19T15:41:00.000-04:00

It's another sunny day today. My eyes rejoice in a bright light. My mood is noticeably getting better and I wonder how long it will last. Until the sun goes down? Until I get tired? Until the mood just fades on its own? And then what? Back to the heavy, dark baseline, the foundation upon which the momentary "happiness" happens?
They say that our basic nature is joy and happiness and when we don't experience them - fear and pain are the culprits for covering our basic nature. So, I guess my task is slowly lean toward the other polarity, going from the "-" toward the "+". If I can't tackle my fears and pain overnight, then I can start climbing from another side of the mountain. I can start noticing simple things, such as the sunshine today. And the blue sky. When I just stand outside, stare up, squint my eyes, for a brief moment I feel the gap reopen. In that gap I catch a glimpse of joy and happiness - my true nature.

Simple Things Hit Home

2010-03-18T17:15:00.000-04:00

There are things we hear over and over but they slide off of our feathers like water. Yet at certain moments, when a tiny gap appears, a simple thing fits there and hits home.
My best friend told me yesterday that she'd buy more candy the next day. I said no, no, don't do that. Knowing my weakness before the things that are readily available, I wanted to eliminate that ready availability.
She said: Well, you have to learn how to control yourself.
That simple statement that I've heard so many times before just summoned all my attention. Hmm, I can't eliminate all the triggers from my environment, thus I must learn how to control my movements and my hand that stretches out for another candy. How about I start practicing a simple habit of saying no? At least 50% of the time. If I can't do that, then what can I do?

A little welcome note

2010-03-18T16:09:00.001-04:00

Today is a beautiful day. It's sunny and warm, with a little breeze.
A thought inhabits my mind: Will today be the day I follow through on my plan?
The answer is: I do not know. All I can do is take one step at a time, improving my Sacred Temple - my body.
I can't be rigid anymore. I can't put myself in a box and sit there for the rest of my life, looking at the same bland walls, floor, and the ceiling. The box is my attempt to fulfill all self-created requirements at all times. Maybe such an expectation pushes me to abuse my body over and over.
So what can I do?

Be aware of what I consume and how I feel.
Take small steps. Every day.
And be less hard on myself.

I love my body just because it is. But I do want to improve it - make it stronger, prettier, and more resilient.
Today I am resting and avoiding chips.